Horrible People: Episodes 1-7

New Catch Phrases

I think the world needs some new catch phrases so here are some;

Sometimes a midget is just a midget.

A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't wear any pants.

He who can, does. He who did, goes to bed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can shit out today.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding a duck.

Would you even know?

I've thought about this alot. If you were, say, insane...would you even know it? I mean, if your reality is one thing and it seems like it is everyone else's as well, you have no way to tell. I think about people who lose their memories, Alzheimer's, and they have no idea that their reality changed.

How do you know when you've lost your mind? You don't. I suppose it's better that way, right?

Paulie

Paulie works 2 jobs. He loves his family but never spends any time with them. He works odd hours and the hours seem to vary. He says he is doing it for his family but he works for his own need to be a part of something too. Hanging with the guys. You've seen him and the boys by the truck talking about the newest tool each of them bought.

Yet his kids grow up and his wife gets lonely. She does her best to keep herself sane but since she is alone and talking to children, it's not easy to do. Paulie loves her in his own way, he is doing all he can. This is what he knows best.

Tomorrow will come and it will be like today. He'll get in the truck and hit the convenient store. He knows the woman behind the counter from going there every day. He gets to work and works until he feels like stopping. No one knows when that will be, except him.

Baseball in the new age

I did watch both games from Japan, A's vs. Red Sox. While alot of people probably hated the 6am start time on the east coast, I loved it. I get up at 6am every fucking day so this was perfect. I say start em all at 6am! Or I need to start getting feeds of Japanese baseball. That would work too.

As for the A's, since that's all that matters, they impressed me. They battled hard and took one game when they should have won both. If Huston Street could have actually closed the first game, it's a sweep. But that's okay. I don't think the team will be as bad as people are predicting.

Bathroom Humour

Life is like a bathroom. Stay too long and people think you are part of the fixtures.

New jukebox

I realized I hadn't swapped out the idiot jukebox in a while so I went with a bunch of Phil Collins era Genesis tunes with a couple of songs with Ray Wilson on vocals. All are from the boxsets which I am still loving.

The songs are not all popular ones, some are. I picked them all with a purpose and I bet people will be surprised at how great they all are. So listen.

Communication Breakdown

’ve spent my life being a man of words. Not meaning I am great with words but I deal with both the written and spoken word pretty well. I am learning about words even today. It’s not just the words that you say that can get you into trouble but it can also be the words you don’t say.

People have expectations of you, no matter what. They expect you to act a certain way, look a certain way and yes communicate a certain way. If you change the slightest bit of communication, you causing a ripple in the pond. A message gets sent even if you don’t say something. Did you intend it to be that way? It doesn’t matter.

The impact of saying something or not saying something is equal. If you say something and someone doesn’t like it, you can say "well I didn’t mean that". You can attempt damage control. Meaning you can start bullshitting. I never bought into the retraction idea. If you said it the first time, you meant it. So own it.

When you DON’T say something, the silence can be taken any number of ways and bent into all kinds of fun shapes and allegations. Now you can try and explain why you didn’t say anything when you were expected to but it’s still not easy. Why? Well the person on the other end has already decided why you didn’t. So while it’s not as dangerous as saying the wrong thing, it is an uphill battle.

The power of words is really amazing. I think alot of people take what they say so lightly. I never have. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I even mean what I don’t say, usually. I think words should be used to really get your points, ideas and feelings out in the open and not just endless ramblings. Wait! Am I rambling??

"I can’t find the right words." Yes you can. I think people make communication harder than it is. I mean you don’t have to be brilliant with what you say to someone. Lord knows I try to be clever but at the end of the day, I am just trying to get it out of my mouth before I lose my place. I made a life time of mistakes with NOT saying what I needed to. I am trying to change that and it’s not easy. This is another try.

From the Idiot Factory...

This was send to me by my nephew, Chris and it makes sense, so...

"The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600
rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a
computer it will go to India , if we purchase fruit and vegetables it
will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala , if we purchase a good car it will go to Japan , if we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
Thank you for your help."

Play ball! At 6am????

Opening day is tomorrow...at 6am...in JAPAN...on ESPN2...what the fuck? I mean I am glad I am up at 6am but still, it's really fucked up. It's cool that the A's are part of this. I think given the situation with the team, I probably won't see them again this season unless a miracle happens. Not likely. PLAY BALL!

Eddie Izzard on World War 2

Easter, here again...

Easter is easily the weirdest of all holidays. For one, it is never on the same day. It floats around and I have never understood what for. I mean if it needs to be on Sunday, that's fine. But sometimes it's March...sometimes it's April...what gives?

And the idea behind it is...iffy. The whole point is that Jesus rose from the dead. So...yeah. He gets murdered on Friday and then between then and now, he fights hell, I think and then Sunday comes and he is gone from his tomb.

No one has ever risen from the dead since. Well only people who weren't really dead, right? Hey there's a mis-diagnosis! Imagine the conversation with the doctor afterward! "How come you buried me?" "well I thought you were dead!" "Did you check my heart, my pulse?" "Your what?"

So maybe that was it? Maybe the scribes were wrong. Maybe Jesus, after the whole cross thing, was not totally dead. He then took a day to heal up and then got up and left. And that would have certainly freaked everyone out and then the whole son of God thing really looks good.

I mean everything he did was a great magic trick, or sounded that way. Water to wine. Fish for everyone. Walk on water. And then the whole dead thing. I can't say what happened but it just seems the odds are against it.

Easter, like Christmas, has its own bizarre shit. A six foot rabbit who gives out candy and hides eggs. Read that again. How does that have anything to do with the stuff I wrote above AND how does it even make fucking sense??? A rabbit that can walk on his hind legs and likes sweets...and apparently has a strange fixation with colored eggs. I don't know how this was even believable at age 5.

But here we are, Easter. I guess if it brings people the peace they need...who am I to say?

Eddie Izzard on Easter

Easter: Good Friday

And now Good Friday...part 2 of my look into the Easter season.

Good Friday? What was so GOOD about it? Talk about a bad day. This was the day Jesus got beaten and subsequently nailed to a cross. I am not seeing anything so good.

So after he gets turned in by his old drinking buddy Judas, he gets beaten. The Jews want answers! Well the whole "son of God" thing eventually comes out and really, if someone said they were the son of God, wouldn't you be pissed off?

I think the main point here is that the Jews had a keen sense of irony...granted it was a bit black. They went and nailed the son of God to a cross. I mean, that is fucked up yes, but also a bit ironic.

So what's with the crucifying? I mean when did that happen before or after this? I never heard of it. I mean it seems like a sacrifice or something. It had to fucking hurt. So there is nothing good about it!

The Christians though...they say it's good because he sacrificed his life for theirs. What? That one makes no sense to me. Never has. How are things better now? The world didn't get better, and if there even IS a heaven...I really doubt God is gonna stand at the gates and say fuck off, my son isn't dead yet so you people can't come in.

Easter: Maundy Thursday

Much like I did during Christmas, I am going to analyze the Easter holiday. Let's start with Maundy Thursday...shall we?

Maundy or Holy Thursday was the night of the Last Supper. So this was a really weird day. It starts out okay. Jesus goes out with his friends and basically gets drunk. Yeah don't tell me no. They were drinking wine, sacrament or whatever...the point is if you were out with 12 other guys, drinking wine, would it be on the up-n-up? No.

So they are having a good time, well except for Jesus who, being part God, means he can tell things aren't gonna go well. So apparently they are all weepy drunks, they go to the Garden of Gethsemane and pray...or hang. But Jesus is really agonizing over things. He knows this movie ends with his ass on a cross, so he is upset and really, who can blame him?

So that's a total fucking buzzkill right? You're out drinking, it's going well and the head guy who you are toasting gets really bummed. Can't get worse right? Well it does. You know how in your group of friends you have that one person who no one likes? And yet you have them around anyway but when this person isn't around, you cut them down. Well, in this group that was Judas.

Judas didn't like being the resident douchebag so when it came time, he pointed out Jesus to the authorities by KISSING his cheek. Talk about a Godfather move. This of course is the Kiss of Judas and the Betrayal. So if one of your buddies is so drunk he wants to kiss you, I would suggest not allowing it. You might wind up in jail.

So what started out as a good time turns into a night in jail. Actually Holy Thursday is quite believable. Next up, I will be looking at Good Friday later today.

Alas poor Ed...

I wanted to just take some time today to publicly wish Ed, a good friend of the Idiot Chronicles, the best. It wasn't the easiest situation but I am confident that this will work out for him and be better in the long run. We all face situations where we need to step up and rise to an occasion and this without a doubt is one of his biggest challenges.

Of course maybe blogging will pay more cash. You just need another what...50 blogs going!

Anyhow, good luck Ed.

The joy of life

So it goes

This week could be a very good week, but alot of it hinges on selling. Putting the best foot forward. Being exactly what someone expects. Showing how fantastic something is. I am not a salesman. So now what? Time to put my head up my ass.

Day of the Irish? Day of the Drunk

I probably mentioned this last year, but I really don't fucking care. So today is St Patrick's Day. A "holiday" specifically for Irish people. Why? I mean we have alot of Italians, Dutch, Polish, African, Japanese...yet the fucking Irish get the pseudo-holiday. I know why.



This is just an excuse to fucking drink. That's it. And maybe sell a few greeting cards. And since the Irish are known alcoholics, we need an official drunk day. So we pick one in the middle of March? By this point of the year after the winter, we all need an extra day of drinking.



And then we have St Patrick, the patron saint of hard liquor. I think that was it. In any case, we have yet another bullshit holiday. Why hide the real meanings? Just call this "The Day To Drink". And then make legal to get as shitfaced as you want to. Works for me.

All on a Sunday

Belief. Faith. Two words that people naturally associate with religion. But that's not necessary. Religion is just an organization, a club to belong to. Humankind has always wanted to belong, so when it came down to justifying their own existence, people figured they needed other like minded people to prove that what THEY believed was really true.

I mean think about it. Here you are and you believe the Creator is a giant chicken. Now, are you gonna walk around bragging about this alone? No, they will lock your ass up. But if you have a few hundred or even a few thousand others who also think...I mean believe the Creator is a giant chicken, well then you have a religion and you can go public with it.

So you can have faith and belief in something or someone and it can be very very personal if you want. The problem is that humans don't have the inner will to just keep shit like that to themselves. There is a NEED to have others involved. They NEED justification. It's not enough for you to believe in the giant chicken, you NEED others because you aren't strong enough faithwise to do this batshit crazy chicken god thing on your own.

If humankind was of a stronger mind, everyone would believe whatever they wanted. The problems were compounded when religion was created, then you had humans knowing they could make a buck or two off other people's weaknesses. Now I don't mean to say every religion is crooked. But every religion is not needed. People should really and truly be able to believe in whatever they want. Giant chicken or not.

Anal?

Survey says!?!?

So I've been taking alot of those myspace surveys lately. Partially out of boredom. But also I find some of the questions to be interesting. Once in a great while it has you think about something in the past that maybe you just forgot or haven't thought of in a while.

But yesterday, I was emailed by someone on my friends list who basically thought I was messaging them directly with all these surveys and was thinking I was some sort of psycho. Yeah it really took me off guard. I was trying to think of what the fuck I said wrong. I was basically being called a potential serial killer for doing surveys.

So I did my best to not only explain what these surveys are but also that everyone on MY list can see them and not just this person, who only had a few friends anyway. So from their perspective, all they see on the bulletin board is my fucking bullshit. Over and over and over.

Anyway, we talked alot once they realized I was not a serial killer and that they were wrong about it. So we had a nice long chit chat after that. So I guess surveys bring people together...in a twisted fashion.

Friday Morning at the Idiot Factory

What a week. The whole Spitzer/hooker thing. Another hooker is famous now. I bet her parents are proud.

The lease for the new office was sent to the landlord from legal with a few changes. The landlord agree to all the changes. So that looks good. We have company coming to the office next week. I've had some stuff going on personally, nothing I can or even should really get into but it's those things that make you go "hmmm" or maybe "wow" or something like that. Yes I do have a private life! Though I think different people know different things. What the hell is he saying?

Those commercials aren't kidding. Life DOES come at you fast. And I don't even have a helmet. But it's Friday. That's a plus. Some weeks can just wear you out, but that was more last week. We had that power outage at work last week. Stressful? I think for some. I think the timing of that outage basically set everything else into motion. Or maybe it's all coincidence? Random.

Am I swearing less?

The crystal ball of life

I've always been a person who thinks he would just love to know what the future holds. Who hasn't thought that? You wonder what will happen...a week, a month, a year from now? Maybe 10 years?

The problem is there is no way to guess. So you wind up driving yourself nuts trying to guess or just exist in this fucking perpetual state of wonder. What's the point? There must be a payoff though.

I don't think it is a case of payoffs always. For many, I think it is dictated by the amount of regret you have had in your life. I've said this before and I'll keep on saying it: everyone has regrets. The ones that deny it are the ones who probably have it most!

So my point is the past is what drives us to seek out the future. Let's say you've fucked up a few times at something and yet you try one more time. You will wanna know if you are gonna fuck up again. I think it will bug the shit outta you too.

Also playing a part is risk. With high risk comes high reward, if it didn't we wouldn't risk at all. There's where the payoff part is. You roll the dice on a daily basis. But consider if the stakes of the game were raised really high. The risk is addictive and that can become part of the reward.

So there isn't much point in wondering if the risk will come back and kill you. You then need to assess the amount of the reward. This is sounding like Deal Or No Deal. Does the reward outweigh the risk? The answer should be yes. The closer the line gets, the more you worry.

I guess at the end of the day, it really shouldn't matter. I mean if you are so hung up on knowing the future, would you wanna know when you die? I doubt it and the one certainty is we all do. So why bother?

Beverly Hills Anger Management: Episode 05

You could be governor!

Why not? I mean after this scandal? I think there are alot of people who could have fucked a hooker or 2 in another state and not gotten caught. Even if people were looking for you.

The money laundering was cute but ineffective. Pay cash. You mean to tell me as governor, you can't scare up $5000 that no one will miss? Come on!

And then the wire tap. At least work on impersonating a foreign accent. "Hallo, dis is mizter kumar and i vood like a hooka". It's easy. Then they are looking for a little indian man.

Talk about bad planning. That's the bottom line. Spitzer got caught because of bad planning. It's ok to over pay for pussy but only if you plan well!

Oh Elliot!

I don't usually talk politics but this is such an interesting story on so many levels. First off, I am a liberal so yeah I voted for the guy. I liked what he had done as Attorney General, cleaning up things. The irony being he was doing it more to mask his darkside.

And what a darkside! He actually paid someone. No offense but why be obvious? Yeah ok he did the whole money laundering to try and cover his path but really, he knows how this kinda thing works. He of all people knows how it gets done. So then what? He decides he needs someone worth $5000?

The illegal side of this is really amazing when you think about it. I mean all that work. If he felt he needed something on the side, why the fuck would he pay for it? He is the governor. It's dumb!

So it has to go back to a specific need of some kind. Sure it could have been a specific kink and that's why he paid $5000. I mean $5000 for ONE TIME. That's unbelievable money. So that's why there had to be more to it. A donkey? A midget? Both?

In the end, he is done. He must know it. You can't survive this kind of thing. If he was Elliot the bus driver, yeah he might do a night in jail. OR if he had just had an extramarital affair, then his career wouldn't be over. Ask Clinton. But breaking the law when you are such an enforcer of it...well that's just too much to handle.

[deleted]

[edited]

All on a Sunday

The best laid plans (VERY LONG POST)

I've decided I don't want to buy a house. I don't know if my wife agrees with me but I don't see this as a good time for it. Now that doesn't mean that if the perfect house came along that we wouldn't go for it but I can tell you our standards are as such that that is a long shot.

Buying land is possible. I am concerned that building your own house is more expensive and more involved than I want. Who knows? I don't.

So why the change in philosophy? I am going through alot personally. With the office move in process, with my job getting more and more busy, and then with this house and the changes we are going to make to it. It's a lot. There's more of course. Things really no one knows. Well...

But let's just say life is very complex. You think you are going in one direction and you see this turn in the road that you've seen before and never taken. So you figure why not see what's there? And you realize it's a change in direction. It's like a one way street. Now you are on it. What happens now?

I haven't done alot of blogging in general since the whole GDM fiasco. I was trying to be clever or whatever and the material just wasn't in me. I started writing this thing just as an outlet for my quirky mind. Quirky is a new word for it. Now alot of my old friends actually take time to read it, probably to see who I am mad at or what tales I can tell.

I do have alot to say. The main problem is that very few people would understand the stuff I am thinking lately. I mean whatever. All the shit above might come across as bitching or whining. I don't care. The funny thing is my whole angry guy thing is just an act anyway. We get forced into roles or decisions in life and we accept them.

The angry shit is really just a method for my humour and not who I am. I think on some level it's who I became but I always figure most people won't find the "normal" me all that compelling, so I throw in the cursing and ranting for attention. I am tired. My batteries are low.

I realize that when I try to post something on here that I think others will like and I can't do it. I think I can just shit out something clever and it's not there. So if I am funny, then so be it. If I am real, well ok. What happens now?

I need to see where this new road is taking me. The new thoughts and feelings are challenging. I don't think I've been challenged before. Usually I challenge myself, but now life is doing it. And I am welcoming it. Most times I like to set the rules. Meaning if life challenges me and I don't like it, I take my marbles and go home. Not this time.

There are things you can't control. Being someone with OCD, I don't like that. Yet, here I am...not in control. Well not in complete control. We all have a say in things so yes since I make the choice for a certain path, then I can control the distance taken on it. Right? Well ok then. What happens now?

Doug Stanhope on MySpace, child pornography and cock fingering

Gregbert

Yet another installment of Gregbert, brought to you by our resident idiot cartoonist Meathead:

I could have been a Russian goalie

I was looking through a survey and one question was who do you share your birthday with? Now this tends to just mean the month and day, so for example Keith Hernandez was born on October 20th like I was but not the same year. But the one other person I know who was born on my exact birthday is former Anaheim goalie Mikhail Shtalenkov.

I always thought that was cool. Which means, if I was born either a little earlier or later, my soul might have showed up inside him and I could have been a Russian goalie. Of course this is only good if you buy the whole soul thing and/or you are Shirley MacLaine.

So if this is a possibility, boy does that fucking suck or what? I could have been making more money and playing a sport. Or maybe he is born as me and then Rob is the great goalie. Or maybe I am out of my fucking mind and need a nap.

What a day

So I get to work and the power goes out after like 5 minutes. The same shit happened last year. BANG! Transformer dies and we have no power. Great. We hang out and call NationalGrid who have no fucking clue what's going on. So I tell everyone to work from home.

So then I get home. I get some work done and have a Lunch & Learn at 1pm which was a Q&A session with the CEO. VERY useful. And there was humour...caused by me of course. Also he admitted moving our office into the Mansion was a bad idea and he was wrong. SAY WHAT? I wish I could say I was tired of being right, but nope, still love it.

The afternoon was interesting. I owned a developer who has been a real douchebag with me so that was cool. I had a nice convo with a friend of mine. And that was it. I think...

Brett Favre retires and we salute him with this video!

Priceless

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Bloody snot

This happened a month back and whenever it does, it always makes me wonder. You are blowing your nose or picking it, whichever is needed, and you pull out this bloody piece of snot which looks like either a big clot or a piece of brain tissue.

So then you get this thing out and your nose isn't really bleeding. Outside of the tertiary blood that's left, the nose isn't even bleeding. So how the fuck did this booger get so fucking bloody anyway?

Obviously a blood vessel is breaking at some point which is weird unless of course you are a coke fiend. Since I am not a coke fiend, I don't get that part.

Then once this blood vessel breaks, apparently you have enough snot in place to act as a sponge. So the best way to avoid a major bloody nose is to leave some snot in place. Another problem solved!

So what happened was...

We were on the verge of making an offer on the Rock Candy house BUT there was a sulfate issue with the water, and that needed testing. We couldn't seem to get past that. Then the seller said he was moving into that house from his own and then selling HIS house (which is next door) if he didn't get an offer in 2 weeks. I don't do well with stare downs. Fuck you.

Rock Candy no more

We've decided against the aforementioned Rock Candy Lane house. It's funny how things can change. I think it really helps to think things through and really analyze what you want for yourself. What you NEED versus what looks nice.

Beverly Hills Anger Management